I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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