Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Randomize
