I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
