somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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