He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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