Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
