I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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