It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
