I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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