Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
