guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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