There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
