WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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