Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
