Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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