I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
