If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
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