I just pynch a tree in the face
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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