She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
