so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
