If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
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