just do it
fine only cuz shes asian
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Randomize
