sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
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