VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize
