My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
