Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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