the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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