oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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