Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
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i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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