I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
