I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
