my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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