so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
