I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Congratulations! We have a period
Randomize
