If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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