there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
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