her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
