Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
