the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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