eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
