i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
two words: eviction party
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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