Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Randomize
