I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
