Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
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She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
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I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
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