I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Randomize
