Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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