Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
