wat bout pragnant strippers??
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
