she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Randomize
