Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
