a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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