is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
