We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
