Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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