I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I fill condoms, not promises.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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