Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
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