Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
