The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
