You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
